return

here i am,
coming back

to the way

it ought to be

Strattera.

why am i so ugly ... ?

79 is the perfect number .

Too bad i'm stuck at 92 ...

I

REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY
REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY
REALLY REALLY REALLY
REALLY REALLY
REALLY

WANT FRIENDS.




in a little while from now,
if i'm not feeling any less sour
i promise myself to treat myself
and visit a nearby tower.
and climbing to the top,
with throw myself off.

alone again, naturally...

"you could be the model type skinny with no appetite....body outta sight body body outta sight..."

all i wanted to do
was sleep
in your arms.

Im diseased. Im hungry...so i eat.
i'm disgusting. I promised myself that summer would be It. I would starve all day and get thin...
really im getting nowhere.

I want skinny arms. Thats my main focus right now. But how to get them?

i don't care.

I don't care about anything anyone says. I don't want to listen. I'm tired of listening to everyone. Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. It's so pathetic. Can't you do anything else? Can't anyone do anything but talk? Complain. Bitch. Complain. Bitch. Insult. Brag. Complain.

I wish I could just force myself to not talk. Like, never need to talk. To anyone. But there are people i want to talk to and if you can't block everyone out you can't block anyone out.
And I just don't care. I don't.

I wonder where I'm going in life. If I really am swimming in a pool of knives.Who I'm going to. Who I'm going with.

Will you PLEASE get the fuck out of my room?

Give me a reason to tell you. Give me a reason for everything. Give me a reason to not jump off the roof. Give me a reason not to starve. Give me a reason not to fly.
Take me away, take me away, take me away.

I don't want anyone i don't want anyone i don't want anyone.

not happy not happy not happy.



I'm happy you all moved out. Really. Stay the hell away for all i care.

And if you survive till two thousand and five
I hope you're exceedingly thin
For if you are stout you will have to breathe out
While the people around you breathe in

Its literally thirty seconds after my post and i can tell there is no way i can fast...
my dad is making pancakes and hashbrowns.
gotta hit the gym later.

sell out

my sister can not beat me
again.

i had a dream last night that she was losing more weight
she's already skinny
but she lost the fat on her mid section
the mid section is the only part of my body that beats hers...

she looked so good
and i looked so fat.

it will not happen
it can not happen.

maybe i'll fast today...

Yeah this anorexia thing..? I'm not so great at it.

FINALLY IT'S SUMMER

noschoolnoschoolnoschoolnoschool

i don't want to eat, but i still get hungry. Probably doesn't help that this house is full of fucking food. like the pizza we ordered last night... its calling to me.
anyway, my ultimate goal for this summer is to reach 80 pounds. at least. hell, if i lose more im not going to complain...

these are my thighs as of now...
i weigh 94 lbs, which i don't even KNOW how i managed that because i seriously eat normally. Must be the nicotine...

it seems to me...

thank god ... only three days left of school.
THINGS THAT HAVE CHANGED:
1. I smoke cigarettes
2.
3. I'm 100 pounds
4. I drink AT LEAST 64 fl oz of water daily. I have this SmartWater bottle which is like 23.7 fl oz i think , and I refill it 3/4 times daily. Its made my stomach flatter, I swear to god. Just being hydrated makes you slimmer. Try it!

i'm so sick and tired

i'm so sick and tired
of never being able to change a damn thing.

of never being thin.
i fucking cant wait til summer,
sitting around starving and sucking on freeze-pops.
five weeks until summer.

i sit around on my ass all day and i can't change a thing.
not enough time, not enough motivation. starvation makes me fail at school,
and i can't fail
but i can't keep being such a fat ass.

oh, and the love of my life agrees.

i asked him "if there was one thing you could change about my body, what would you pick?"
his response "well i like your body, but maybe just a tad bit leaner."

JUST A TAD BIT LEANER.

he tells me this, and i want to change, but i just sit on my ass, all day, crying my eyes out because i'm fat and even HE knows it.

mhm.

feel better about your body yet?

yeah, because you should.

peanuts

so today i learned a lot of strange things.

1. you can not get rid of the little pooch of fat on the inside of your legs. it's nearly impossible.

2. spring break is next weekend.

3. tanning is a big confidence booster.

4. colon cleaners are a good idea for losing weight.


shout out to my new followers!

my sickest desire.

my absolute dream,
my number one wish,
the most disturbing thing i have ever wanted
ever strived for,
ever PLANNED....

my ultimate dream,
my ultimate goal


is to end up






in the hospital.










for my ED.

why why why.

why do i always eat? why do i always fail? why can't i stay motivated????

i barely eat anymore.

i bought a new swimsuit too. one with those cute little boy shorts to make me look less fat in the legs.

this is a very recent picture, btw.

so now i'm a little more excited about the beach trip, and hopefully BF wont think i'm a fat cow!
i need to buy a scale too... someone remind me! my dad has the scale in his room so I can exactly just weight in whenever i want. I think I will go do that today actually.
I'm going to shower and head to the gym soon.

I will continue reading and commenting !

oh no.

i am going to die.
i have to go to the beach for spring break.
wearing tank tops , shorts,
and.. the dreaded bikini. you all saw my body. you know what it looks like.
you know how AWFUL IT IS.
.....oh my god.

so it is now MY GOAL TO LOSE WEIGHT. I have to. NOW. I can't put it off.
do i want to be this :

or this :


i'm heading to the gym now. photo update when i get back.
as of now things are NOT looking good.

No where NEAR bikini ready....

i should be updating more,

but its cold and all i want to do is eat,
and all i want to be is skinny...
i'm not strong enough to look at my naked body in the mirror, nonetheless take pictures of it....
but i did.
view next post.
(this is my stomach NOW)

no sunlight.

so, personally, i think the most beneficial and motivating thing for me is to see
pictures of you guys as you go along. it makes me jealous enough to starve and work harder!
so from now on, as often as i can, i'm going to update with pictures of my worst areas:
waist
legs
and arms.
i have one photo from the summer (when i was actually THIN)
pretty isn't it?
and so here is my waist a month ago-

>:'( i know, i know....

and my legs last week...

kinda a funny picture angle really. i was trying not to show you all my crotch and i didn't have a mirror lol. next time i'll do better.
i don't have any arm pics, but trust me, not that much better.

i don't edit my pictures. i may crop/ darken/ lighten the surrounding area so no one can recognize my surroundings, but i'll never lie to you with my pictures.
that won't do me any good!

i'll update every week. pinky promise <3

no other way.

so, now that i joined this gym, i'm deathly afriad of gaining TOO much muscle.
like what if i just get fatter?
but i'm getting toned, so i wont be as squishy and floppy and gross.
so far... well not much. i'll have to lower my food intake and increase my cardio!

sensationalism

i joined a gym. i work out. it feels good.
i like sleeping.


nothing's changed.