bright eyes.

i have been good.
i have been a very good girl all day.

i had four cookies in the morning(i have been crying all day i deserved them)
a glass of milk
a slim jim
coffee
orange juice.
that's all.

no meal !

And now it starts,
the winter battle
of the fast.

i dont even try any more

i should.
i should try to not eat.

i should see how it is at school
with no food
i should try it
i should see how it is
how well
or how bad for the matter
i do.

during break
i am going to fast
and not eat
and maybe i will continue to do it through school.

how.

how am i supposed to do anything.
you are all so mean.
you are all assholes.

i thought YOU could at least be the nice supportive one but oh i was so wrong.
you are all assholes
you are all assholes
you are all assholes.

why should i tell you anything?
i don't tell you anything.
i'm scared to.
you all pick me apart piece by piece
behind my back.
why am i the hot topic.
it's just like the old days now.
and more than ever i just want to be on my own.


if i could never talk or see any one of you ever again in my life i probably would.

finally.

i am taken , i am yours.

sometimes...

sometimes,
especially when i read blogs with girls over the 110s,

sometimes i think i should be grateful for my 92 pounds.
5'2" , 92 pounds.




......but then i look in the mirror.

these ladies are thinner.

this is what i spent my day doing.

it feels good, its easy, and it works.

i drowned my beliefs .

let me go let me go let me go.
i just want to pick myself and lock me away.
steal myself away from everyone
and let go of myself.

when i have dont have anyone,
i don't get hurt.

i want to sail away.
drift away.
fade away.

please just come take me in your arms,
you new boy,
take me away
hold me until i dissolve into you
am one with you,
never have to leave you.

I'm not living
I'm just killing time.


you aren't going to see me today are you.
you leave in two hours,
and wont be back til sunday,
and i will be here waiting
for you to make me yours
for you to make you mine.

just don't leave
dont leave.

i know its wrong

still i persue
why?
for the hell of it.

why not? honestly, this isn't going anywhere far.
it isn't really fun for me
its just something i need to do
for myself
for the hell of it.

meaningless .

you don't like me
i know you don't
i'm so stupid.
i know what you said to her about my having a boyfriend,
and i left him
for many reasons,
and for a chance with you.

and we were supposed to hang out tomorrow,
but now we can't
and i'm pretty crushed
because i'm sure that you
aren't going to ask me again.

i could use some
attention
some
affection
but i am alone.

i ruin everything.

i can't keep a boyfriend.
i can't do anything right anymore !
we said forever, but god, i'm only 16 i can't deal with forever.
i'm too young for stability.
but i can't just let you go.

i'm not here, this isnt happening. . .

fall back.

seeing the progress others are making while i fall backwards eats me up inside.

bomb.

ludicrous

So I've gained two pounds and I haven't really cared much.
you know, being busy with school I get distracted and I cant focus on my eating.
just my grades, and homework, and marching band.
and Boyfriend of course.

I bought us promise rings online today.
unfortunately they turned out to be WEDDING BANDS
so now he's going to think I'm a clingy freak!

Greeeeeeeeatttt.

bitterness .

I hate you and everything about you and I hope you have to change schools or something because i am
SO TIRED OF LOOKING AT YOU
AND YOUR SMIRKING FACE.
i hope you have to solve algebraic equations for the rest of your life, asshole.
and by the way you ARE really small
and you are NOT hot and i think
you are fat.
YOU ARE JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLE.

IT'S FUNNY HOW
EVERYTHING YOU SAID WOULD NEVER CHANGE
IS DIFFERENT NOW-
just like you.

and YOU-
YOU should STOP trying to get with HIM
although HE WILL SLEEP WITH YOU
JUST SO YOU KNOW.
and you shouldn't have made the fucking play;
if i had tried out you DEFINITELY WOULDN'T HAVE SO STOP FUCKING BRAGGING.


I hope you both swallow swamp water and joke.
I seriously want to stab you with forks.
maybe I'm immature
but at least I'm not a WHORE.

I try my hardest not to care at all
to just block you the hell out but I fucking can't
forget how shitty you treated me
and how I let you.

it doesn't matter how HAPPY I am NOW
I STILL think about you and STILL want to burn you with a HOT IRON.

CRAVINGS

sundaysunday.

Right now I am having a diet mountain dew
and some bbq flavoured chips.
I have gained weight since school started, but for some reason it's not a stressor.


now I am having pizza.
(it's burned)
I may make something else to eat, like a soy hotdog.
I'm very happy for some reason. I don't mind eating this much.
I eat normally everyday.
Much more than I used to.


And I'm still happy.


(I'll let you know when this crashes)

why does my life suck?

http://www.imatternot.com/

god...

i feel so worthless now
after looking at those pictures of thin people.
good god.
i am so fat.
and so awful.

someone make me a skeleton.

afraid to check the scale...

between school starting and marching band, and stress, and homework...
i've been eating eating eating,
eat to keep going...
and now i'm scared...
if I gained more...

this picture
definitely describes my life.

what the hell.

WHY am i still at 95 pounds? WHY did I gain weight?!
I eat barely anything !
do i need to quit eating period?
it's getting too cold to work out.
plus, i'm too shy to go outside and let people see all my fat jiggle, and
my face get red and sweaty.
so now what?

aside from the number,
i have been able to see that my thighs are a bit thinner.
(and wiggly)
I can now successfully fit into a size zero. :D

OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO DIE.

SO

i was really quite down last night,
so i took zoloft
smart right?
WRONG.
my brain, i swear, i short circuiting.
it's like someone is yanking everything
UP
(literally too, because it looks like i've had a facelift)
and oh my god, this ungodly hour, i just want to sleep.
and the twitching?
Yeah,
fucking twitching!
my mouth keeps going into a smile,
which is really super creepy since
it's an antidepressant.
bet they put something in there to make my mouth do that all the time!


this is
NUTS

disappointing.

well with the stress of throwing my sister's baby shower, breaking up with my boyfriend, school- all this stress and i haven't been eating much at all.
all this stress, all this not eating,
and yet i'm gaining weight?!?!

WHY

do i seem to only lose weight around my hips?
my already hip bones stick out.
but do i lose any other fat on my body?
NO.

skeleton key

why
do i always
feel thinner
than i am?

i went away, again,

and i managed to gain 3 pounds. three to total a rotten ninety five.
all i want is the eighties, at least...
right now, i can't even dream of the seventies...
ohhhhh!!! only six pounds from 89!
but i did well today, only ate a block of ramen, and it is a weekend,
and normally i eat somewhat normally on saturday/sunday.
rotten 95!!
but... i'm hungry now....
i don't know if i can resist....

fake plastic trees

it wears me out,
it wears me out,
it wears me out,
it wears me out.

My sister

is bullemic, and she told me her psychiatrist said
that she should be happy she is just a bulimic
and not an anorexic because
it's
"an easier road"
and
"easier to fix"

dumb
dumb lady.

so she should be grateful she's bulimic?
i'm grateful i'm NOT.

but my sister is right,
when people think of anorexics they have sympathy,
but when they think of bulimics they think of puke- and ew- no sympathy for them.

and i think that is just ridiculous.

thank you , band camp

for making me gain 5 pounds. for having me eat EVERY DAY in FRONT OF PEOPLE.
And FORCING me to PRETEND to be COMFORTABLE with food.
I HATE FOOD.
I don't WANT it-
I don't NEED it.
weekends always suck because i can never starve myself . . . i don't know why, maybe it's because everyone is home,
but i can't wait till tomorrow when i can stop this pattern of eating . . .
:)
oh i can't wait.

I may just be getting excited,
but i swear my arms look thinner.
a little bit.

the only thing worse

than being on your period is being on your period with an empty stomach.

91

91 is so close to 89. . . if i get into the 80's . . . !!
i haven't lost much body fat though. . .

someone, seriously,

i honestly can not make myself throw up. either i don't know how, or...?
I tried but barely anything came up.
it was very disappointing, and my stomach felt like a rock.
I knew i shouldn't have eaten.... now my stomach is all stretched out.
i wonder how many pounds i gained..

does anyone have tips they're willing to share? it'd be gratefully appreciated !!

95

no way. if i can make 95 i am NOT eating. not worth it.
feels so good.

the best little girl in the world

i am not
hungry.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1_Mi6UTlsQ&videos=wN7nnFOBctk&playnext_from=TL&playnext=1

Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you..

even though no one reads these stupid postings, i'm going to keep writing.
it's better this way because then no one can figure out who i am.
god, i'm so hungry right now.
it feels like acid is eating my liver.

i ate last night, some veggie lasagna, because my dad really wanted me to.
and i'd rather not upset him.
and then i had some vanilla ice cream with strawberries because he scooped it out for me
and you know? he's just being nice. i don't want to make him sad.
besides, i had ridden 8 miles on my bike.
haha.

but i'm hungry now!
hmmm, i 'm gonna go do some crunches.

i'd say goodbye, but that's pointless because there's no one to say goodbye to. :)

99

so after eating very little else besides popsicles, i have dropped TWO pounds in about three days.
which kinda sucks if you think about it, but considering i ate like a pig the first two.. it's pretty good.
besides, i'm happy with ANY loss.
Now I'm just trying to coast.


http://www.caloriesperhour.com/index_burn.php
try going here. I'm not really sure what it is exactly but it has a thing about calories you should have to maintain/increase your metabolism.
http://www.wikihow.com/Increase-Your-Metabolism

most of this makes zero sense to me, but oh well. Supposedly I should have 1,197 calories a day at least... i don't know, whatever.

My main goal starting monday is to do ab workouts. I've got a pretty flat stomach, but of course i want it flatter.

And if I can achieve this, what else is stopping me from cutting down my arms?

And then, if I can make my top half better, why not my legs? what, honestly, is stopping me?

i'm not far from good abs... so a little achievement could be just the esteem booster i need to push me off this deep end.
I told myself by band camp I'd be thin: middle of July.
THIN.

point me at the sky

And if you survive till two thousand and five
I hope you're exceedingly thin
For if you are stout you will have to breathe out
While the people around you breathe in

FUCK PERIODS.

I just gained a WHOLE pound because i started my period.
really??
is that even normal?

but anyway, i'm watching a TV show about little girls who go to pageants and it's SICK. they're so full of themselves. but they'll probably never have to worry about losing weight...
wow, their moms get so worked up. they're all like, 6 and gorgeous. it's disgusting. and unfair!
it's mainly kids of moms who are all fat and gross.
.erg.
anyway, i was looking up some songs about ana. check them out:

Silverchair - Ana's Song

Manic Street Preachers - 4st 7lb

Filter - Skinny*

Saves the Day - Cars and Calories